Carrington Moss Mumming Play
Basic Script

Here's one, two, three jolly lads all in one mind
We have come here a-mumming and we hope you'll prove kind.
And we hope you'll prove kind, with your brass and your beer
We'll come no more 'nigh you until the next year

I open the door and enter in.
I hope your favour we shall win
Stir up the fire and draw some ale
My merry lads shall tell you a tale
Whether we stand or whether we fall
We'll do our very best to please you all

So room, brave gallants all
Pray give us room to rhyme
We've come to show activity this merry Christmas time
Activity of youth, and activity of age.
The like was never seen before upon such a common stage
And if you don't believe the words I say,
Step in the Turkish Knight and clear the way

In come I the Turkish Knight
Bold Slasher is my name
From Plumley down to Peover¹, the world has known my fame
I come to fight Saint George, that man of courage bold
And if his blood runs hot, I soon shall make it cold

In come I, Saint George
From England did I spring
I fought the Scotch and French, my wonders to begin
I'll clip the Dragon's wings, he shall not fly
I'll cut him down - or else I'll die²

Who's that who seeks the Dragons blood³, so angry and so loud
With my long teeth and scurvy jaw
I'll eat that English dog who holds the floor
Be he a Turk, a Christian or a Jew, I'll eat his armour, belt and Baldric, too

Stay you noisy dragon, boast more
For soon I'll have you dragon on the floor

[They fight and George slays Dragon]

Here am I, Saint George, that man of courage bold
With my broad sword and spear I won a crown of gold.
I fought the fiery dragon⁴ and drove him to the slaughter
And now I'll woo fair Phoebe - The King of Egypt's daughter

Phoebe - Thou art so lovely
What causes thee to look so glum

Saint George, although you've won me fair this day
I fear my brother Slasher will thee slay
Don't turn your back on him

Show me the man who bids me stand
I'll cut him down with sword in hand

Step up Bold Slasher, come this way
Saint George is ready for the fray

In come I the Turkish Knight, the Greatest
Come from Turkey land to fight
If Saint George is to be my foe
I'll kill him dead before I go

My head is made of iron

My body is of steel

My arms and legs are beaten brass

No man can make me yield

Pull out your sword and fight

Pull out your purse and pay
For satisfaction I must have before I leave this day

No satisfaction shall you get
I do not shrink to hear your threat

Battle to battle then let's cry
To see which one shall live or die

Battle to battle then let's sound
To see which which one shall bite the ground
So guard your body and guard your head
Or else my sword shall strike you dead

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Old Saint George will fall in three

[They fight⁵ - Slasher is killed]

Come in old King the battles done
I fear Saint George has slain your son

Oh Cruel George, what have you done
You've wounded and killed my only son

'Tis true I killed yon Turkish Knight
But first he challenged me to fight

Oh no I didn't

Oh yes he did...

Is there a doctor who can save
my son from lingering in his grave
A hundred thousand pounds I'd give
To someone who can make him live.

And an oilwell, two dancing girls, three eunuchs, four camels,
ten abdulla king size
- Aye and Green Shield stamps

Is there a doctor in this ground
To cure this noble Turk all of his wound

Yes, there's a doctor in this ground
Can cure this noble turk all of his wound
For all my medicines are sure
And death's a sickness I can cure

Unless they abolish pay beds

Where do you come from, tell me plain

Ireland, Italy France and Spain
Around the world and back again
There's nowhere I haven't been
And no disease I haven't had or seen

A hundred thousand pounds I'll give
So shut yer gob and make him live

That I'll do have no doubt
Be it jitters, squitters, pox or gout
Pains within and pains without
If the Devil were in I'd fetch him out

I have a bottle of Alicampayne
To make this dead Turk live again

[Takes a bottle of whisky out of bag and takes a swig,
then takes out another bottle]

Take a little of this bottle And let it run down thy throttle

[Gives Slasher a sip then kicks with foot]

A blow on the head, a blow on the heart
Rise up old lad and take thy part

[Nothing happens - he runs off]

I know a trick that will not fail
I'll pinch some other buggers ale

[He "borrows" drink from audience and feeds Slasher, who revives]

Oh father, your face I'm glad to see
I thought that was the end of me

And now that I've my duty done
I'll return to the dear bride I've won

[George carries off Phoebe]

Now that Saint George has cleared the way
Come in brave lads and have your say⁷

In comes I, Soldier Bold
Come from the French wars with silver and gold
Where brave St George and I and seven more
Did battle and beat eleven score
Many's the war I've been in
And many a brave battle I've seen
Fighting for St George

I'd not fight for him or any man alive
All I want is to survive 

In come I, Fat and Fine
Half starved, half blind
Ricked back, broken mind
One eye out and t'other in
So put a coin or two in my tin and I'll go away

That's enough of that

[Hits Fat 'n Fine with club]

In come I Beelzebub
In my hand I carry a club
In the other a dripping pan
And don't you think I'm a jolly old man

Dirty old man!

Little Devil Doubt
With my shirt tail hanging out
Five yards in and five yards out
Money I need, money I crave
So give or I'll sweep you to the grave

[He rushes around sweeping until Beelzebub flattens him with club]

In come I Johnny Jack
Wife and family on my back
My family's large and I'm but small
So I'll sing and dance to please you all

Oh the Thelwall Mumming lads are we
We've come to entertain you
We'll bring you health We'll bring you wealth...

[He is jeered off]

We've had enough of you
Where you know one dance - I know two

[Dances Fools Jig]

Kind friends our sport is done and we can no longer stay
But remember that for England's sake Saint George will bear the sway
You gentlemen and ladies all, I hope you will be free
To subscribe a little part to pay our doctor's fee

For we're jovial lads
We do no harm, whenever we appear
If you give us some money
Then we'll stay away next year

Come ladies and gentlemen sat by the fire
Put your hands in your pockets and give us our desire
Put your hands in your pockets and treat us alright
If you give nowt, we'll take nowt
Farewell and goodnight